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I swear, by the time I get home I'm too tired to even blog.

The past 3 nights have been sadder for me than any night since we arrived. I've broken down crying every night and I can't seem to control it. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing, I can't remember to do things or to tell people things, it's awful.

It occurred to me tonight that my sister might not remember my wedding at all. And she might not remember the Christmas present that I gave her in Mexico, because I wasn't supposed to see her for 6 months.

I gave her the Tiffany silver horse shoe necklace. I've actually been wearing it, along with my starfish necklace, every day since I arrived. Anyhow, I noticed that she kept the Tiffany box and Tiffany pouch it came in. So, I think I'm going to wrap it up again and give it to her for Xmas one more time.

I'm secretly hoping that she will give some indications that she recognizes the gift or remembers getting it before. That would show that she remembers my wedding... If she doesn't, I'm not going to read into it too much. (reactions are few and far between in this weird world of traumatic brain injuries). 

So, we'll see. Hell, if she doesn't remember my wedding I have thousands of photos to show her and she can see how beautiful she looked. 

sigh. this it the hardest thing I've ever done. Not only do I need to take care of Torey, I'm taking care of myself and also taking card of my mom. She confessed tonight that she needs more than I've been giving and that was hard to hear. I also need more than SHE has been giving but that's a different story.

Life is hard, but life is beautiful And I really mean that. We are in this AMAZING country with fabulous people for the most horrendous reason! I don't pretend to understand a single damn thing about it. 

Ok, I'm rambling now. I miss all of you so much. I miss having people around who are my own age, even. I'm hanging out with a bunch of 50-60 somethings and Dan. This is not my idea of a good time, but I do what I can.

Hope everyone's end of 2008 is going a shit ton better than mine.

xoxox

Kia Kaha

Hello again from NZ. I haven't been able to update this blog nearly as much as I'd like to but Torey's blog comes first.

My sanity has held together more in the past 2 days that it did in the days prior, so that has been a blessing. I haven't wanted to throttle any family members so maybe we are all learning how to best deal with each other during this stressful time.

Progress with Torey is slow. I post every new little thing she is doing but from the day to day perspective at her bedside, things are painfully slow. I feel like I'm betraying her in some way by saying that but I know that I also need to recognize my emotions and work through them to retain my sanity.

I miss my sister. We haven't always been the closest siblings, we never really talked more than once every few weeks in college but in the past 2 years I think we've become much closer. Between preparing for my wedding and my brother's wedding the year before, I've seen her more in the past 2 years than in the 8 years prior.

Now I see her every day but she's not really 'there'. I'm eager for her to wake up so we can assess where she is and what we need to work on. We have no idea what she will be like when she wakes up. She might have vision or hearing problems, memory problems, paralysis, personality changes. We don't know anything and it's frustrating.

If you've read the latest update that I posted on Caring Bridge you'll see the phrase 'Kia Kaha'. It is Maori for 'Stay Strong' and I think I'm going to get a tattoo of that phrase while I'm here. Tattoo is VERY popular in NZ and it really seems appropriate. I just need to decide where on my body (probably close to my other tats) and if I want it accompanied by a traditional Maori design or if I just want the words...

Anyhow, it feels good to write on here. I'm going to make an effort to do it more often. I need to keep taking time for me. That is hard to remember sometimes.

I miss you, knotties/nesties. You're the only ones who know about/read this blog. :) Hope you are all well.

NZ

Hello from New Zealand.
As most of you know, I'm here because my sister, Torey, was in a bad car accident and is in the ICU with a brain injury.
I've been updating her website, click here to visit, but I thought it might be helpful to me to be able to write my own thoughts in here.

This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, things I've ever dealt with. We are very optimistic but we also feel so helpless. Last night I was stuck in a dream where I was trying to help her and I never could.
There's only so much I can really post on the caringbridge site because the whole world is reading it. So, that site will be about her, this site will be about me. My knotties are pretty much the only people reading this page anyhow. :)

We hope they are able to take her off of the ventilator soon. We are REALLY hoping that she will be able to breathe on her own but, if not, she'll have a Traechotomy. We're hoping for the former but she'll be ok either way.

Anyhow, it feels nice to just blog for myself for awhile. I'm headed back to her bedside.

Bachelorette Party

I'm a bad blogger!! I read a friend's blog last night and she updates it almost daily, AND she has 2 kids under the age of 2. If she can do it, so can I. haha

Saturday night was my bachelorette party. Kelly (Best Friend), Abby (Sister In Law) and Torey (Sister) planned the whole thing and kept it a surprise from me.

We started the afternoon by going out on Abby and Mason's boat on Lake Michigan. We had cheese and crackers and fruit and had a fun time hanging out just girls (my mom was there as well as my other bridesmaid Callie). Kelly got a little seasick (ok, a lot seasick) but besides that, it was great!

After the boat we went back to my place to get ready to go out. 

Katy and Dannie met up at my place and then we all went to dinner at Blue Agave, a great Mexican restaurant, and met up with all the girls there. After dinner Kelly distributed the fabulous black crowns with my pictures on them, along with 'challenges' for each girl at the party. My sister's challenge was to find someone who speaks spanish and have them introduce themselves and tell me to have fun in Mexico. Another girl's challenge was to find a guy named Steve. etc etc. That was really fun. :)

We had a bit of time to kill before the main event so we went over to my favorite late night dance party spot, The Hangge Uppe, and prepaid our $5 cover charge so we could skip the line later. BEST IDEA EVER!!

While we were outside the Hangge Uppe, a trolly full of men in t-shirts with tuxedos on them pulled up out front. Immediately we started joking that we should commandeer the trolly to get to the next spot. Oddly enough, Abby knew someone on the trolly and convinced them to let us 'borrow' it for 30 minutes!

The guys on the trolly were doing upside down margaritas off the side so I took part in those festivities :) I love me some upside down margaritas!

While I was letting strangers pour alcohol into my mouth my purse came open and my camera fell out (my point and shoot, not my XSi :) ). Well, when I looked around I couldn't find it and we had to get moving on the trolly so I resigned myself to the fact that it was gone forever, a sacrifice to the bachelorette party gods. I was upset but wasn't about to let it ruin my night.

As we drove away we noticed one of the tuxedo shirt guys running up to the trolly, holding my camera!! The day was saved! I even gave him a kiss on the cheek and he said "Make sure he makes you laugh, every day, don't forget!" haha.

Turns out the camera was totally broken but I was still glad to have it back for the memory card!

The trolly took us down to the main event, the Baton Lounge. I'll let the link do the talking: 

The Baton Show Lounge

The show was fantastic. I love me some good female impersonation! I think everyone had a blast. I'd definitely recommend the Baton Lounge over the Kit Kat Lounge in boys town. I've been there twice and really liked the Baton Lounge better. We were wading in a sea of bachelorette parties, it was perfect.

After the show Abby managed to find an empty limo and she negotiated with him to take us back up to the Hangge Uppe to dance our pants off. :) A lot of girls left after the Baton Lounge but about 12 of us went out dancing. 

Oooooh the Hangge Uppe, I could never go there sober but that was not a problem :) It's our favorite late night dancing spot. 

When we arrived, the tuxedo shirt guys were still there, and WAAAASTED! We were fast friends. That part of the evening is kind of a blur but we drank and danced and drank some more!

My sister was in town just for the weekend before going to Ireland for a month, and her boyfriend was with her. We ended up calling the boys (not my finace tho, which is good, I didn't want him to crash :) ) and they met us at the bar. So it was my brother, Torey's boyfriend Dan and some of my brother's friends. It was really fun to see them.

All told, I couldn't have asked for a better night. No one drank way too much, no one got sick, no one was too hungover the next day, it was awesome to have so many people who care about me in the same place! 

So, I say, Bring on the Wedding!!

Ahh-CHOO!

It's allergy season again! I haven't been able to breathe, taste or sleep for the past few days but this happens every September like clock work. Hope you all are suffering less than I am! I don't know where the summer went! If time keeps going this quickly I'm going to be married 10 minutes from now, have 3 kids in an hour and I'll wake up tomorrow morning an old lady! (SLOW DOWN, TIME!!) :)

Only a little more than 2 months until I leave for Mexico and get MARRIED! I still have a lot to day and the 2 month mark is looking really scary right now! Everything will be fine though. We just need to get on top of the things that will take a while to process. I'm trying not to let it stress me out.

It's election time again and I think I'm more interested in this election than any prior election. To my credit though, I was out of the country the year of the last election. I actually remember saying I would not return to the USA if Bush was re-elected. Guess I ate my words on that one! I will be so upset if we get 4 more years of a Republican in the White House. (vomit)

I only have one thing planned this weekend, my FSIL's birthday party tomorrow night. I'm excited to have a low key weekend and to CLEAN my apartment and put away all of the wedding presents we got last week. I'm so thankful for the gifts but I don't know where to put everything!

Hope all is well in blog land!

Please feel free to check my PHOTO BLOG

The Oldest People at DMB

Saturday night was the long awaited Dave Matthews Band concert at Alpine Valley. Wow, what a great show! I'm not sure what was more fun, the actual concert or the people watching while we were tailgating.

We arrived at Alpine Valley around 3:30 and since we had 5 people we ended up in the carpool lane and got primo parking. (bonus!) Now, we knew we were a little older than the majority of this audience would be but being surrounded by 19 year olds with seemingly unlimited access to booze was an experience I wasn't entirely prepared for!

The girls wore teeny tiny cut off jean shorts and ribbed tanks from old navy. Brian said, "It looks like they are all going to go work at the same bar later". Their hair was in purposefully messy ponytails and some had it partially french braided before it got to the pony tail. 

The boys were in cargo shorts (will those things EVER go out of style?) and polos or logo T's. Some of the more "yachtty" (personal favorite word from college) boys embraced the patchwork plaid shorts that are so popular this season. However, any TRUE East Coaster knows that the same pattern has been popular amongst sailing enthusiast for years.

The collars were popped, the beer was flowing, we were ready for DMB.

Possibly, my best stories of the night came from standing in line for the port-o-potties.

My first trip to the potties was more pre-emptive than anything else. I knew the lines were long and I didn't want to wait until I was going to burst. So I grabbed a fresh beer and some extra TP and got in line. 

Standing in front of me were two of the girls in the "Ribbed Tank Top Brigade" who were tailgating at the car next to me. Ever the chatty one, I started up a conversation and asked how old they were. I had guessed 19 and I was right. Then, just for kicks, I asked them how old they thought I was. I couldn't wait to hear their responses. 

One girl looked me up and down carefully and guessed, "21", I laughed. The other girl made a face that could only say, "no WAY she's 21" and then guessed that I was at LEAST 22 or 23. :) haha

I told them I was 27 and they were more than a little surprised.

Under any other circumstances I think I'd be a little offended if someone thought I was 21 but at DMB I thought it was fun that they saw me as a peer. Or at least someone close enough in age to be in school with them. 

The next trip to the bathroom was totally different. I was standing in line with a 35 y/o woman who was encouraging all the girls in line to unbuckle their shorts while in line so we could pee faster once we got inside the potty. 

While waiting in line she turned around and saw me and said "You Skinny Bitch!!" and started laughing hysterically. I looked her up and down and pointed out that we, essentially, have the same physique completely. We were the same height, approximately the same weight and girth so it was kind of odd to me that she was calling me a skinny bitch! 

When I pointed this out she said, "Yeah, but I have had 3 kids!" and I said, "That makes it even MORE amazing that you're in this shape" and she said, "Well, I'm kind of a professional athlete". It came out later that she plays broom ball competitively. (google it, you will laugh out loud) And broom ball apparently keeps her in such good condition.

this lady also followed me from the potties and appeared later at our van to meet Steve. It was bizarre but hilarious.

The concert itself was great. My favorite part was Ant Marching but there were many other high points as well. The concert was definitely worth the trip up to Wisconsin!

Better Blogger

I need to be a better blogger. :) 

Work has kept me crazo busy lately, I can barely knot/nest! The slow decline of the ND board isn't really helping tho :( I miss my ladies! But I will do my part in keeping the board alive... when I have time. haha

Last weekend was Lollapalooza! It was fantastic, per usual. This is the 3rd year in a row that we have attended. The joke this year was that we need one more solid year and then (only then) can we start trying to have a baby. haha. Not sure who came up with this but there was talk of calling a child "Lolla" and then "Palooza" and then we decided it sounded too much like "loser" haha. Happy times in the den of sin that is a 3 day music fest.

It was hat as blazes all three days and I finally let myself just wear a bikini top and shorts for most of Saturday and Sunday afternoons. The past 2 years I had felt too self conscious. Maybe Bpics helped to lower my inhibitions. :) Who knows. I'm not in much better shape right now that I was during the past 2 years. Maybe it was my self conscious telling me that I'm not going to have this flat belly forever. haha.

There were a few pg women at the festival and also a BUNCH of people with little kids and babies! I just think I'd be uncomfortable being pg at the festival but I really don't think it's any place for a child, let alone an infant. Many of the children were wearing earplugs but still, bad idea. People were drinking constantly and opening smoking pot and I just wouldn't want to expose my child to any of that.

Anyhow, great weekend. I can't believe Lolla is over. This signals the end of the summer :( Good thing we still have DMB on Saturday night. I'm the only person I know, besides Steve, who has never been to a Dave Matthews show so it feels right to remedy this situation. :)

My goal is to not let myself be so busy that I can't take 5 minutes to update this here blog! :) We'll see how it goes!

Sunday

My neighbor's house was struck by lightning last night. We actually saw it happen and then the fire department was here in the pouring rain for about 20 minutes but I guess there was nothing they could do so they left. The lightning hit one of the chimneys on the roof and there are bricks all over the neighbor's roof and all over the ground. Two cars were hit with bricks but there wasn't any damage.

Crazy!

This morning I'm going to the local farmer's market for the first time this summer. I looooove the farmer's market! I wish it was year round. I also wish they had meat and dairy available but I understand that wouldn't work very well at an outdoor market.

This weekend has been more low key than I prefer but last night I tackled a keg with only 3 other girls and we made an impressive dent in it. haha. The keg had been purchased for a bbq but it was rained out so we had to do SOMETHING with it. :)

Yesterday I tried on my bridesmaid dress for my friend Callie's and it's quite...snug in the booty area. Further reminder that I need to start working out! That's a target area for toning anyhow but that's definitely motivation! My wedding dress covers that part of me but it will need extra toning for her wedding. 

My goal is to start working out now and then hit it hard for the 3 months before my wedding. I know myself well enough to know that I will not be able to commit to a work out program long term. :) I know that I CAN do a short term program with very specific goals though.

Hope everyone is having a great Sunday!

RIP Tucker

Our mini schnauzer, Tucker, died overnight last night of organ failure. He was only 8 years old and my heart is broken right now. We will miss him dearly.

I love you Tucky, I'll see you on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge!

Shower me with your love!

So, some of my mom's friends have decided to throw me a wedding shower! Yay! My family is really spread out so I was kind of nervous that I wouldn't have one... which is probably silly but I was kinda sad/worried. So, the big day is July 27! Yay!

So now Steve and I just have to register... easier said than done as our weekends are SUPER busy going forward. We'll get it done tho.

I feel like a shower is going to make it all feel much more real!

I can't believe we're already a few weeks into summer! I'm not traveling at ALL this year but I literally have every weekend planned to some degree between now and Labor Day! Crazy.

Ok, shower then bed. I've been staying up WAAAY to late and I have volleyball tomorrow so I can't be tired!

Peace!

What a Weekend!

This weekend was fantastic.

Saturday started with highlights and a fantastic blowout for some big and sexy hair, then I had my make-up done at M.A.C. and looked hottie hot hot. Then I met up with Leah and had a few photos taken for fun. Then Katy, Leah, my friend Holly and I all went to dinner at Kamehachi in Old Town. Leah and Katy were very brave and tried Japanese food. Leah even tried some of my California Roll!

It was so nice to meet Leah in person and to hang out with Katy as well, even tho we all had headaches. haha. We took some hilarious pictures with Photobooth and I hope she'll post them. 

Today I woke up to a thunderstorm and have been just hanging with Steve. Later tonight we'll be heading to the burbs to have dinner with his parents for Father's Day. True to boy form it's 12:30 and he's just now calling his parents to set it up. Men. :)

In wedding related news, I think we found our invitations! AND 5 months until the wedding!! Whoo hoo! 

Hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

Honest To Blog!

I didn't even like Juno that much but what a cute name for a blog (if I do say so myself)!

I haven't regularly blogged in about 3 years but I want to start again so here goes nothing. :)

BOTB!

Steve and I just spent the weekend in Detroit with his brother and sister in law and their beautiful baby niece, Olivia. Now, I've had babies on the brain for the past few months so it was awesome to spend some time with the baby. Over the 24 hours we were there I went through the entire range of emotions of feeling like there is NO WAY I'll be able to handle a baby to wanting to get pregnant tomorrow so I can get a jump on this baby thing! haha

I asked my future sister in law when she thinks I should have kids, and she said, "Whenever you're ready" and that's the BEST answer I've ever gotten to that question! Much better than suggestions of a certain amount of time or when a certain status is attained. 

Are you there God? It's Me, Morgan

Over the course of this weekend I attended a Catholic mass (Friday wedding) and a Presbyterian church service (with Steve's Bro and SIL) and that was definitely the most church I've had in a LONG time!

**Back story** in high school and at the beginning of college I was ...very Christian. I have since fallen away from those beliefs but my time with the church is a big part of who I am today. 

Driving back from Detroit, Steve and I started talking about what we believe in. We're pretty much on the same page with our beliefs even though he was raised in a different religion. Since we're thinking so much about having children, we're also thinking about how we plan to raise these children.

Long story short, we talked a LOT about the Unitarian Universalist Church and I've decided that if/when I ever start going to church again, this is where I'd like to go. I feel very in line with their principles and their openness.

The Principles are as follows:

"We, the member congregations of the Unitarian Universalist Association, covenant to affirm and promote
The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part."[7]

Various children's versions exist, such as:

(Sung to the tune of Do-Re-Mi)
ONE — Each person is important
TWO — Be kind in all you do
THREE — We're free to learn together
FOUR — And search for what is true
FIVE — All people need a vote
SIX — Build a fair and peaceful world
SEVEN — We care for Earth's lifeboat
That will bring us back to me and UU... (repeat) 

I'm sorry, is that not the BEST song ever? haha

For more information I strongly suggest reading the articles on Wikipedia about Unitarian beliefs and about the Unitarian Universalist Church.

I may have found my church! Crazy!

New iPhone!

Finally, as some of you know, I'm a huge Apple/Mac nerd. I have an iPhone, Macbook (at home) and an iMac at work. My life is seamlessly integrated between the 3 :)

I was reading the live updates from the keynote speech for the web developers conference and they released the 3G iPhone! Sounds fun! And I've already had someone offer to buy my old one :) 

For more info check out www.macworld.com

That's all for now!