Make a Smilebox slideshow

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I swear, by the time I get home I'm too tired to even blog.

The past 3 nights have been sadder for me than any night since we arrived. I've broken down crying every night and I can't seem to control it. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing, I can't remember to do things or to tell people things, it's awful.

It occurred to me tonight that my sister might not remember my wedding at all. And she might not remember the Christmas present that I gave her in Mexico, because I wasn't supposed to see her for 6 months.

I gave her the Tiffany silver horse shoe necklace. I've actually been wearing it, along with my starfish necklace, every day since I arrived. Anyhow, I noticed that she kept the Tiffany box and Tiffany pouch it came in. So, I think I'm going to wrap it up again and give it to her for Xmas one more time.

I'm secretly hoping that she will give some indications that she recognizes the gift or remembers getting it before. That would show that she remembers my wedding... If she doesn't, I'm not going to read into it too much. (reactions are few and far between in this weird world of traumatic brain injuries). 

So, we'll see. Hell, if she doesn't remember my wedding I have thousands of photos to show her and she can see how beautiful she looked. 

sigh. this it the hardest thing I've ever done. Not only do I need to take care of Torey, I'm taking care of myself and also taking card of my mom. She confessed tonight that she needs more than I've been giving and that was hard to hear. I also need more than SHE has been giving but that's a different story.

Life is hard, but life is beautiful And I really mean that. We are in this AMAZING country with fabulous people for the most horrendous reason! I don't pretend to understand a single damn thing about it. 

Ok, I'm rambling now. I miss all of you so much. I miss having people around who are my own age, even. I'm hanging out with a bunch of 50-60 somethings and Dan. This is not my idea of a good time, but I do what I can.

Hope everyone's end of 2008 is going a shit ton better than mine.

xoxox

Kia Kaha

Hello again from NZ. I haven't been able to update this blog nearly as much as I'd like to but Torey's blog comes first.

My sanity has held together more in the past 2 days that it did in the days prior, so that has been a blessing. I haven't wanted to throttle any family members so maybe we are all learning how to best deal with each other during this stressful time.

Progress with Torey is slow. I post every new little thing she is doing but from the day to day perspective at her bedside, things are painfully slow. I feel like I'm betraying her in some way by saying that but I know that I also need to recognize my emotions and work through them to retain my sanity.

I miss my sister. We haven't always been the closest siblings, we never really talked more than once every few weeks in college but in the past 2 years I think we've become much closer. Between preparing for my wedding and my brother's wedding the year before, I've seen her more in the past 2 years than in the 8 years prior.

Now I see her every day but she's not really 'there'. I'm eager for her to wake up so we can assess where she is and what we need to work on. We have no idea what she will be like when she wakes up. She might have vision or hearing problems, memory problems, paralysis, personality changes. We don't know anything and it's frustrating.

If you've read the latest update that I posted on Caring Bridge you'll see the phrase 'Kia Kaha'. It is Maori for 'Stay Strong' and I think I'm going to get a tattoo of that phrase while I'm here. Tattoo is VERY popular in NZ and it really seems appropriate. I just need to decide where on my body (probably close to my other tats) and if I want it accompanied by a traditional Maori design or if I just want the words...

Anyhow, it feels good to write on here. I'm going to make an effort to do it more often. I need to keep taking time for me. That is hard to remember sometimes.

I miss you, knotties/nesties. You're the only ones who know about/read this blog. :) Hope you are all well.

NZ

Hello from New Zealand.
As most of you know, I'm here because my sister, Torey, was in a bad car accident and is in the ICU with a brain injury.
I've been updating her website, click here to visit, but I thought it might be helpful to me to be able to write my own thoughts in here.

This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, things I've ever dealt with. We are very optimistic but we also feel so helpless. Last night I was stuck in a dream where I was trying to help her and I never could.
There's only so much I can really post on the caringbridge site because the whole world is reading it. So, that site will be about her, this site will be about me. My knotties are pretty much the only people reading this page anyhow. :)

We hope they are able to take her off of the ventilator soon. We are REALLY hoping that she will be able to breathe on her own but, if not, she'll have a Traechotomy. We're hoping for the former but she'll be ok either way.

Anyhow, it feels nice to just blog for myself for awhile. I'm headed back to her bedside.